Monday - Sinks, Blankets, and Frogfish

Hey everyone,

This post may come as a shock to you, especially after such a long hiatus. It came as a shock to me too. Mainly because it was waiting for me behind the shower curtain with a sack full of pennies. But also because its been a while. I've got to get back into the rhythm of making as little sense as possible and making as many grammatical errors as possible. Despite. (Starting and ending a sentence with a preposition probably means I'm doing well).

I was watching Golden Girls the other day. Not that I was given a choice, it was early in the morning and on every single channels. Even CNN."After the weather, its Golden Girls !".Golden girls is one of those shows thats only on TV when you feel like watching TV when you want to watch TV but nothing else is on. Nothing else ! Its either Golden Girls, or Enzyte commericals. Which , ironically, is convenient pairing . Only five people watched that show, but it still went on 200 seasons. The last people to actually follow that show died in the Mesozoic era. I watched Golden Girls for the same reasons I watch races, I secretly hope someone is going to get killed. I'm just waiting for that one episode where one of those old hags calls it on stage.

Can't say my material isn't edgy...

One game I like to play when watching movies is Casting Director. Basically the goal of the game is to find the worst possible actor to play a part in a movie. For example :

Woody Allen as Darth Vader

Samuel L Jackson as the autistic brother in Rainman.

Steven Seagall as John Nash in A Beautiful Mind.

Come to think of it, Steven Seagall in any part would be pretty bad. Nothing personal, I just don't like him that much.

Mr.Miyagi says , "Michael J Fox as Mr.Miyagi in Karate Kid"

Saturday - Extraplanar Eccentricities

Hey, just wrote something up quickly :
Jeff didn't like his neighbor's dog.

This is partially because the dog had just awoken him up from a dream about killing his neighbor. But mainly because Jeff is actually Qalb-al-Mawt, a demon from the seventy-third abyss of Hell, sentenced to spend three eternities on Earth. Three eternities as it turns out is a very very long time. Longer than the wait for the water in the shower to become warm on a cold morning. Or waiting for your neighbor to wake up and talk to him about his noisy dog. Longer, in fact, than waiting for your neighbor to wake up, look for her dog; ask you where he might be and then directing her to the garbage bin. At the risk of digressing, I will end it here: eternity is a long time.

Needless to say, Jeff did not like his house, his neighbor, or his job. Jeff didn't like chestnuts either, but for no particular reason. He liked the seventy-third abyss of hell a lot more. Granted he never quite took to the screaming or had any sadomasochistic tendencies, but he thought they did a good job with the decorating. It looked much better than the tacky kitsch of heaven and its pearly gates. The seventy-third abyss was actually quite similar to our world, with the notable exception of apples tasting very much like oranges. The seventy-third abyss in fact was made to torture those who had an extreme dislike of citrus, or those who were fond of apples. Frequently men went insane in the dark, pseudo-avant-garde, pits of the abyss, wondering why the apples had such strange textures and begging for mercy.

Jeff’s exile had been punishment for an error he made while working at Hell’s Ministry of Commerce. (It must be noted that despite being a place of eternal torture for non-believers, Hell’s gross domestic product was second to none. The head analyst of the Statistics and Information department has explained this by pointing out the greater number of business men and entrepreneurs in hell. Independent analysts have their own explanation, but no one really cares to listen.) The error seemed to him a trivial one at the time. While having dinner at Beelzebub’s he said that his wife’s cooking was “heavenly”. Hoping they hadn’t noticed he quickly tried to change the conversation to the topic of leather whips in the workplace, but to no avail. The mistake had cost him his job, and he was banished from Hell, destined to spend a very very long time on Earth. Which Jeff wasn’t fond of.

It’s not that Earth was a particularly bad place. As far as bad places go it was nowhere near as bad as the fifty third abyss: The hell for flatulent sinners. But as the saying goes: once one goes to hell, they don’t go back.

After making sure that the dog won’t be disturbing him any longer, Jeff took a shower and decided to schedule some time to plan his day.(Or plan some time to schedule his day, he could never decide on the order). Sitting down at a desk far too large for casual use and too small for an extravagant purpose (such as gloating over the defeat of one’s arch-nemesis), he began to write down his to-do list for the day. Getting bored about five minutes and twenty three seconds in, he decided to search in his trash can for the remains of yesterday’s list and simply see if he needed to add anything. Fishing it out from amongst a pile of apple cores, he set uncrumpled it and set it out in front of him. Looking back at the pile of apple cores, Jeff sighed, “Ah apples, the one good thing on Earth. Well, other than horticulturalists. Yes.Apples,horticulturalists and rainbow sherbet. The only good things on earth.” Far better than oranges, dentists, and mint ice cream, he thought to himself. Jeff was especially attracted to horticulturalists and was in fact having in a passionate relationship with one (though she doesn’t know it yet). “Here we go”, he said to himself as he looked at the list. “Silence the infernal pup. Check. Go to bed. Check. Find occupation. No. Take Ned, to the doctor. (Ned was his houseplant and best friend).Lets do that again. Do Laundry.” He thought for a moment about the last one and started laughing, until he looked at the pile of dirty clothes next to his bed. Frowning, he wished he were still in hell ; where no one needed to get dressed, especially not for work. Incidentally that’s how he lost his first job,received his first fine and spent his first night in jail. While it all makes sense in retrospect he still couldn’t understand how he managed to get the job while completely nude.

As he contemplated this, there was a loud banging at the front door.Looking at the window he saw his neighbor and a policeman. He waved at them. They did not wave back. He swore under his breath and he ran downstairs to open the door.

Monday- The New Year

Surely we can't end the year without a post ! It would be against my religion. In fact, I think ending the year without a blog post is probably against all religions. Its in the 5th and a half commandment : Thou shalt end the year with blog posts. It comes after 5th and one fourth : Thou shalt give Ali gratuitous amounts of candy. Yes that was there, you've got to read between the lines.

Its been a long year and I've been a bad bad blogger. Not in the vaguely sexual sense but just that I haven't posted in around seven months. Well I can now unveil my reason ! I've been writing my epic novel ! Its nearly five thousand pages, lemme post them now :

Just kidding, I wish I was that productive over the summer and last semester. But yea, sorry I've been so neglectful, I would promise more consistency but ... well... look over there !! It feels even worse since I promised a blog a week format in the post before the last one. So yea, seriously, I will try to post a bit more often. Or at least try to go with a copout newswatch thing. Its been a long year, and I've written down my New Year's Resolutions (on catskin in the blood of young infants ):

1. Never kill cats or young infants again. Too much of a mess. From now on just buy them prepared at a specialty store.
2. Lose weight. I'm not referring to myself, I'm referring to family members. They've been a burden for far too long ...
3. Be less macabre. Flowers and Rainbows !
4. Don't Lie.
5. Don't lie about not lieing. (I'm not lying about that. Or that. Or that. Or this....or that)
6. Be funny. Note that funny may be replaced with lazy and/or asleep.
7. Find out what macabre really means. Get a word-of-the-day calendar and use it as a way to legitimize making words up during presentations. "As you can see here there is clear evidence of cadunkinecture.
8. I wanted an 8th one so that I can say its 8 for 2008 !
9. Be more subtle.
10. Crap ! Note to self : Don't do that next year.

Mr.Miyagi says ,""You forgot about me??" Oh thats right !

11. Forget about Miyagi more often

As I have to go begin my rampant partying and alcohol abuse..."You call yourself a bottle of alcohol ? You're barely a soft drink ! You're worthless" "Stop screaming at the bottle,Karimi !" I will end my segment with a traditional questioning of the pointless.

They say when life gives you lemons , make lemonade. As admirable as that is I think we can all agree that lemons are not bad. As far as things life can give lemons are pretty awesome. You can make juice, you can add zest to food, you can make things sour,and you can temporarily blind someone. Lemons are pretty darn handy. It should be : "If life gives you anal leakage...". Lets see them find an upside to that ! "If life gives you anal leakage...uh, get diapers ?".

Mr.Miyagi says, "Another year another hemorrhoid." You can get those removed Miyagi... "I was talking about this blog post." Ouch.



The Digression is back, long live the Digression.

Have a great New Year everyone.

- Karimi

Friday - Captain,Sharjah,and Stitches - News Watch

Hey guys (and girls), (and aliens)...(and Miyagi) , lets do some NEWS WATCH !

News watch will pretty much be me linking articles and laughing, along with comments.

Ok, get this, I was reading the news and found these articles. All are from Reuters, NONE are fake, and this is all real insanity:

Ape escapes, goes on 3-hour rampage

Thu May 24, 2007 3:15PM EDT

TAIPEI (Reuters) - An orangutan chewed through her cage and went on a three-hour rampage at a Taiwan entertainment park until authorities subdued it with a stun gun, a park employee said Thursday.

The 19-year-old primate, named "Little Blackie," turned over iceboxes, garbage cans and motor scooters near the ticketing gates of Santao Mountain Entertainment Area in Kaohsiung County after her escape Wednesday, said a park worker surnamed Hsu.

"She just turned everything upside down," Hsu said.

About two hours later, a county agricultural team shot the orangutan with a stun gun, she said. No human or beast was injured.

Ok , here are the things I don't get :

1. Why is it able to chew through its cage? I guess the cage must be made in Taiwan,but still,chewable ? Was it made of skittles ? Come on Taiwan. I hope the prisons in Taiwan aren't made of the same stuff or criminals will get ideas from this orangutan.
2. Why did it take 3 hours to subdue the thing ? Its an orangutan in a zoo, that's five minutes, tops. Can't find it ? Its orange,its not camouflaged (They call it blackie, but I guess that's just cause they're racist)
3. Why did they put the thing in its cage ? Its an entertainment park, it didn't hurt anyone , let it roam ! Its good entertainment !
4.The thing is 19 years old, why is it still being called "Little" ? Maybe that made it mad.
5. Why didn't it do anything ? If it spent so long trying to get out couldn't it at least bite someone? Bitch you chewed through your bars ! Do something !
6. "She just turned everything upside down" Sorry, but this needs to be repeated. Thats one stupid orangutan. I would have at least broken the scooter

Girls do badly at math when told boys better: study

Thu May 24, 2007 8:17PM EDT

By Belinda Goldsmith

NEW YORK (Reuters Life!) - Telling girls that boys are better than they are at mathematics can irritate them so much that it negatively impacts their performance, according to a U.S. study.

Researchers from three U.S. universities found that the threat of stereotypes could create worries that undermined the women's short-term memory system needed for problem solving.

"The women start worrying about screwing up which uses up important short term or working memory which could otherwise be used performing the task," said Sian Beilock, assistant professor in psychology at the University of Chicago and lead investigator in the study.

But the study also found that reminding girls of popular stereotypes, such as boys being better at math, did not just undermine performance in that topic, but in other areas too.

"They get so concerned with the stereotype that this spills over into other tests," Beilock told Reuters.

"Our work suggests that if a girl has a mathematics class first thing in the morning and experiences math-related worries in this class, these worries may carry implications for her performance in the class she attends next."

Researchers have been aware that stereotypes can undermine achievement in schools but little research had focused on the specific mental processes that prompt this response.

[Rest of the article cut off because its not funny]

Ok, heres what I think :
1. I think its funny that the study proves three things it doesn't intend to. 1. Girls don't do as well under pressure as guys. 2. Girls are more gullible and likely to believe what they are told. 3. Girls like to make excuses.
2. This article should be renamed to : Girls more likely to do badly when told they will do badly.
3.This shows how many feminists control the media, and make excuses for themselves. Get over it girls, some people are good at cooking (you), and cleaning (you), and some people are better at helping humanity progress (men).
4. I think I sounded way too sexist. I like it. Its edgy. I won't apologize. (Please don't stop reading, I need the love)

Girl calls for police help over messy room

BERLIN (Reuters) - A nine-year-old German girl was so upset about having to tidy her room she put up a sign in her window urging passers-by to call police for help.

Pedestrians in the central city of Braunschweig saw the girl crying in the window, holding up a sign up saying "Help! Please call the police!" Next to her sat a small boy. Quickly alerted, officers rushed to the scene to discover the girl had argued with her mother about tidying her room and enlisted her two-year-old brother's aid to attract attention.

"The room looked like a battlefield," said a spokesman for local police on Monday. "Officers told the girl to tidy her room. When they came back two hours later to check, it was all cleaned up. And the mother and daughter had made up too."

Wow. I don't even need to make fun of that.

Here are some headlines I loved and the funny bits only(All from Reuters and within the week):

Man busted while drunk driving in wheelchair

"It's not like we can impound his wheelchair," the spokesman said. "But he is facing some sort of punishment. It's just not clear yet what exactly that will be."

What I say ?
Force him to walk home.

Lecturer suspended after breastfeeding opinion

CAIRO (Reuters) - Cairo's al-Azhar Islamic University on Monday suspended a lecturer who suggested that men and women work colleagues could use symbolic breastfeeding to get around a religious ban on being alone together.

The lecturer, Ezzat Atiya, had drawn on Islamic traditions which forbid sexual relations between a man and a woman who has breastfed him to suggest that symbolic breastfeeding could be a way around strict segregation of males and females.

Yea but wouldn't it be awkward to work with a woman who breastfed you ?

" Gosh I'm thirsty, Mary"
" Don't even think about it"

" Tea with milk , Ahmed?"
" Who's milk ?!"

Killers wrap victim in Christmas paper

Police unwrapped the sheets to find he had been taped up in festive wrapping paper with a Christmas tree motif.

What I think ?
Santa did it. Some bad kids get coal, some bad kids get shot.

Mom drives son to rob jewelry store

A 36-year-old German mother-of-five drove her son to a jewelry store he wanted to rob because she was afraid he may come to some harm, Bild newspaper reported Wednesday.

While her 17-year-old son and his two accomplices stabbed and robbed a jeweler in the eastern city of Dresden, the mother waited outside in the car.

"I knew he wanted to rob the shop and I was very worried about him," top-selling Bild quoted the mother as saying.

Wow, that's a pretty great mom right there. Though if she really loved him she would have been in there with him. Now I know for sure my mom hates me, she’d never let me rob a store. I never get to have fun.

Also, this is a freaky coincidence, I just realized that the font I've been using for this blog (and all previous entries) was called Georgia. Scared ? You bet I am.

Mr.Miyagi says, " My mother drove me to Karate classes. Until I accidentally Dragon Punched her. After that I had to walk."

Tuesday- Prizes, Heating, and Zubaidi.

Hey ! I'll try to get back into the rhythm of weekly posts after going on a 2-per-month thing for the past few months. Summer is already kicking ass, and to congratulate me on a kickass summer fate has found it within its heart to gift me a free ticket to see Pirates of the Caribbean 3 (Que to applaud and throw flowers). Winning stuff is great cause it not only means I get free stuff, it also means I get to see the movie before most people in the world (before Bahrain,Uk,and US) so I get to ruin it for people in over three hemispheres !

Friends, you share with me so much of your private lives and yet I feel like I'm not giving back enough. So from now on I promise to take initiative and put some links here to stuff I like , and that stuff I dislike (I feel obliged to protect you from the evils of the web). So here it is , the Mr.Miyagi presents Karimi's site of the week ! "Why do I present your site of the week ? Shouldn't I present mine ?" says Mr.Miyagi. Fine, I'll present it.

Karimi's Webpage of the Week !

This week I'm amused by fat cats and witty captions. So I invite you to visit my Site of the Week (tm) :

http://icanhascheezburger.com

To celebrate the launch of this new feature I'll also do a new thing , I'll post a picture for the first time ever ! Here's a pic from the site. I find it funny. The cat wants a cheeseburger. Cause its fat.


Get it ? Fat cat wants cheeseburger ? Anyway, thats the site of the week. To celebrate the posting of our first picture ever I'll...continue with my blog, you can't always expect surprises.

Note: I do not promise to do this weekly ,there's a good chance I might not do this again. I just needed stuff to put. Karimi is not responsible for any disappointment or suicide as a result. Thank you, enjoy the rest of the blog.

Anyway, a distant distant relative of mine had a heart attack recently, and it got me thinking. While its a sad thing , I must wonder, why is it called a heart attack ? If your heart is getting damaged and isn't allowed to function shouldn't it be heart attacked ?? Heart attack makes it sound like your heart was in on it . "That's it, I give up, I'll kill this guy. Always feeding me this junk food". Its not the heart attacking you, the heart is being "attacked" so why do we blame the poor heart ? If anything we should blame ourselves , "poor Zeke, he died from attacking his heart." Heart attacks villanize hearts, you can imagine it on the news can't you :

"Yesterday night in Michigan , three men were held hostage by a gang of violent hearts. After a brief confrontation with the police,two of the hostages were shot dead and one managed to survive with minor cuts. This lone survivor of the tragic heart attack stated that people should not look badly at hearts after the incidents and that a bad group of hearts do not represent all of them. 'My uncle knows many kind hearts,' said the traumatized survivor. Police are still on the lookout for the hearts, who are still on the run, unarmed but dangerous. Heart attacks still claim many lives in our country, and it is unfortunate that many hearts are affected by bad education systems and poverty. Many blame the health care services as well. This is Rush Simmons reporting from Michigan. Thank you."

All I'm saying is, next time someone dies from a heart attack correct the doctor, tell him it was a heart attacked, he might learn. Or he might sedate you, I dunno...

On the subject of medicine, I had athletes foot for a short while a few years ago. Unlike many fungal problems, athletes foot is the only one you can really brag about. Because of its positive connotations.

"Whats the cream for ?"
"Athletes foot"
"Ah you been working out ? "
"Yea."
"Good for you ! Get well soon"

See ? Great huh ? People with athletes foot get it easy because of the nice association with athletes. Some might even brag, "Yea, got athletes foot, damn my athletic nature." Even if you don't work out people will still say "Well,he must be working very hard. What an athlete". No one stops to think that it might be related to bad hygiene, or anything nasty. Now imagine if it was called feces foot, no one would want to tell people about that.

"Whats the cream for ?"
"Uh, feces foot."
"Ew. Clean your feet !"
"Its not that bad really , I just run a lot"
"In what ? Sewers ? Go take a shower, feces face !"

High school was tough...

Sea urchins are weird aren't they ? I mean they're pretty much just a bunch of spikes with a mouth. Which is why I admire them. Sea urchins are over achievers. They are rocks that decided to make something of themselves. One day there was a spiky rock that said to itself:

Not drawn to scale.

"You know what ? I want to be a living organism ! I want my own page in a kid's biology book ,and I want someone to worry more when they step on my. No more sharp rock for me, from now on ,I,pretty sharp rock, am an Urchin ! You know what also ? No more brown for me, I want to be purple !".

And rock said, Let there be Urchin ! : and there was Urchin.
And Urchin saw himself in a mirror, and saw he was good.

The other rocks must have hated the urchin. But the urchin persevered. It even survived the whole "eats and shits from the same hole" scandal. Look, if you have to poop from a hole and eat from it a few minutes later you know you have to keep it clean ! So bad breath aside you know Urchin has some pretty good oral hygiene.

Mr .Miyagi says, "Too many pictures, hurt the eyes. " Your face hurts my eyes Miyagi ! "Your breath hurt my face... feces breath". You took my mints !!

Wednesday- Fuzz, Shorts,and Bleach.

I'm back in Bahrain, and we should all celebrate by updating our blogs ! If you don't have a blog you can live vicariously through me and celebrate my blog update. "I haven't been this excited since Angelina Jolie divorced Billy Bob" says Mr.Miyagi. They can't detect sarcasm over the net, Miyagi. "Who's they ?"

I had some food the other day, and it was delivered to my home. When I opened the bag there was the food, and at the bottom there was the delivery menu. Correction : there were five menus. Now I realize its meant to be convenient but aren't they kind of preaching to the choir ? I mean, I already know what they have on the menu, I just bought stuff from them. If anything they should find a way to sneak their menus in other restaurants' delivery bags. Even still, five menus? How enthusiastic do they think I am about this restaurant ? I'm not going to go around giving them to people I know , not in bulk anyway.

"Hey ,Karimi"
"Hey ! You have to go to this restaurant! Take a brochure, tell your friends!!"
"Uh, thanks"
"No need to thank me, thank Allah for this blessing"

Some girl told me the other day she wouldn't have sex with me if I was the last man on Earth. Fair enough. But please give me some credit, if I was the last man on Earth sex would be the last thing on my mind. The first thing would be what happened to the other men and how to keep it from happening to me.

This certainly wouldn't be what I'd think of :

"Huh, all the men seemed to have died out suddenly. Sex time !"

I saw Spiderman 3, I liked it more than the first two, but felt that Venom wasn't done properly. I think Eric Foreman would have made a great Carnage, but Venom should have been played by a bigger, tougher,more solemn guy. Someone like who looks like the Sandman but looks a bit less like a hick.Personally, I hope Spiderman 4 will bring back the Vulture. Remember the Vulture ? Really old man in a vulture costume burglarizing. Wouldn't it be awesome to see Tobey McGuire beating up some 90 year old in a green bird costume ?

They say now that money is the root of all evil. I like how people assume its a recent realization, like someone said it in the news a week ago. "This is Brian Albert from Wall street. Two men were gunned down in a robbery here the other day, further showing that the money is the root of all evil. Wow, that sounds good, can we copyright that? Brian Albert,Wall street, CNN". I did the research, that isn't new at all, its from the Bible. That stuff is one thousand and nine hundred years old, better luck next time CNN.

Now that we've filled the daily educational requirement, lets continue with the crap.

Back to the topic of movies, I watched Nightmare on Elm Street again. As a kid it seemed pretty plausible, now that I watch it again I can't help but think that movie would have been over in ten minutes if it was set in the world today. At least one of those kids would have an insomniac friend to wake them up, "Wake up Emma, you're getting killed again".

I had a Caesar salad for lunch, I was fine for a while but then started feeling like conquering most of Europe and dating an Egyptian girl.If I ever become the emperor of the most powerful nation on Earth and get the chance to name a food after me it won't be a weak ass salad. It would be something tasty and greasy, a big steak burger with mashed potatoes,fries,and a blowjob. Hopefully it will give many people heart attacks so that my name can be feared long after my death. "My husband died after eating a Karimi Machowich, why couldn't he have made a salad instead ?!"

Mr.Miyagi says, "Patience takes the longest time to learn". But I don't wanna wait !!

Friday - Raisins, Sponge Bob, and Blisters

I'll be in Bahrain in less than a month , which is an occasion for celebration. (I mean for me, but you can celebrate too if you feel the need)

A friend asked me an interesting question : "How do you think up this stuff ?". I replied telling him that I don't think up this stuff because there isn't much thinking involved.The key to it is not to think. In fact, the more I think the less sense the joke makes to me. So to make this clearer I'll give an example :

1.Take something that makes complete sense. Such as gravity.
2. Make the most uninformed generalization possible. Example: Gravity is cause of all wars, cause if we were all floating no one would want to fight, and even if we did bombs wouldn't work.
3. Don't read what you write after you typed it, that's called revision.Revision pretty much means you have to start over.

I've seen Grindhouse and AquaTeen: Hunger Force with friends, and both are pretty interesting movies. The first was fantastic, AND you get to see two movies for the price of one (which is always a good deal). The second was perhaps the craziest movie/cartoon I've ever seen, so if you're ever up for randomness to an extreme then you should watch it.

I was thinking of Tourettes syndrome the other day, its the illness where a person would scream out expletives for no reason. For example : "I was going to the SHIT store and FUCKING HELL bought groceries". Its not the worst thing you can have, but its pretty sucky.Anyway, wouldn't it be fantastic if you had reverse tourettes' ? You would shout out compliments randomly at any time for no reason. "I was going to the YOUR HAIR LOOKS GOOD store and I LIKE YOUR PERFUME bought groceries". People would think you're a pretty friendly guy. Would suck in a fight though : "You want a piece of this HANDSOME GUY ?! I'll kick your WELL TONED ass !"

I'm reading a history book about Vietnam for my American History class, its called A Rumor of War and its by Philip Caputo. What makes this book so special is that it has the single most uninteresting introduction I've ever read :

"This book does not pretend to be history.It has nothing to do with politics,power,strategy,influence,national interests, or foreign policy..."

Now to be fair it's a interesting book about the story of a soldier in Vietnam, but its just that for a person studying history those lines make a person say : "Screw it, I'll read something relevant".

On a side note there was an unemployed protest the other day, and I couldn't help thinking : "Well of course they're unemployed, they're spending all their time protesting... Guys, just put down the picket signs and go do something, clean something somewhere." Of course I said this to one of them, who took out a knife and mugged me. While it was distressing I couldn't help but tell him as he ran away with my wallet : "Now you've got it ! Go out there and be somebody ! Or rob one, whatever."

While the human body is a miracle on its own, there are things I wish were different.

• Instead of killing you with pain when you get injured your body should call the cops. It would be so much more helpful. "Someone call a doctor !" "Its ok, my foot is calling already."
• I wish semen tasted like chocolate but was as nourishing as a steak dinner. It would solve world hunger and overpopulation wouldn't it ? I suppose the only problems would be an increase in sex-addicts as well as over-eaters ; an unfortunate increase in bulimia; and an increase in foot and mouth disease (or d*ck in mouth disease...)
• If only your body would listen when you talked to it. "Hey, remember this ,brain" "No prob bud". "Hey foot, kick this guy." "OW !" "My foot did it"
• I wish my body would work out while I 'm asleep. "Ok, goodnight stomach." "Night yourself, I've gotta hit the gym , you have a date tommorow".
  

I watched an old episode of Scooby Doo and realized how weird some of the mysteries were. Some were easy when it came to picking the villian, those were cool, but some episodes had a villian that had nothing to do with the crime. "Look Velma, it's the gardener that didn't even make an appearance in this episode or any other episode ! He did it !" "Why didn't I see it coming ,Shaggy?" "I guess its cause there isn't a garden here and we are on a boat in the middle of the Atlantic."

Mr.Miyagi says, "He who is at peace with himself, fights squirrels". No wonder you were fired from that fortune cookie factory.